You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And this year's nominee is:.... The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Are any others of you out there avid "rude button" collectors? DrExotic started me on my habit a few years back, and one day I will make a list. If you have buttons, I would like to know your favorite(s), My all-time favorite is:
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"OK, but wash it first"
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(refers of course to the question, Mom, may I have an apple?)
Had a country gentleman call me today with a dog that had been badly hurt in a HBC accident. Told him to come on out, we'd work him right in. He replied, no rush, it happened 2 weeks ago. Fool that I am, I asked him why he waited so long to call a vet. His answer: "I wanted to see if the dog would live before paying a vet to see him."
1: on a trashmans hat "Waste is a terrible thing to mind..."
2:two buttons on same coat read "Redundant button...see other button..."
3:and my favorite hometown button concerning the roads near West Chester, Pa.(during the reign of Gov. Casey) "Casey got a bypass... why can't Exton?" Terry
My father was a long time M.D. in the city I now practice in. When I graduated from vet school he told everyone that he was going to remodel half of his clinic so that I could practice with him. Then he would change the sign to read "We take all patients--man or beast"
I was recently told that they are using lawyers instead of rats for scientific studies. The investigators don't get attached to them, and have no problems at the end of the study.
Only problem is, the investigators are having a hard time correlating the data to humans. <G>
(don't really mean to slam lawyers, but over at the Law school last year was "Veterinary Medicine- an untapped market" and besides, it is all only in jest -- more or less)
Our clinic called the "company" manufacturing neuticles as a joke, and expressed extreme interest in their product. We were blessed with a newsletter, a free pair of "medium" neuticles, and (believe it our not) a video.
The newsletter quotes people as saying their dogs don't even know they've been neutered (hmm, wouldn't the decrease in testosterone by a noticeable difference???) Neutering is described as a disfiguring surgery which renders males everywhere "incomplete" - neuticles to the rescue!!!
One of our associates was inspired with another gem of an idea: the "Neuterus". It would be a plastic uterus which also acts as a flotation device. If "Muffy" falls into the swimming pool, she'll never sink because she has a Neuterus. ;->
I can see it now.........a few years down the road.
Government Puts Recall on Fido Falsies.
In an act reminiscent of the recall of other implant devices, the government placed a recall on all testicular implants for pets. The implant devices have been shown to leak, and explode with sudden changes in atmospheric pressure, causing effects ranging from mild discomfort to severe caudal trauma know as nonflatulent scrotal blowout. Humane agencies have been calling for this action for some time, stating the mental trauma of such an occurance could be devastating to both owner and pet alike.
Did you hear about the deer who decided to take up hunting people? He couldn't get his hoof into the guard of a rifle, so he hunted people with a bow and arrow. He'd hold the bow with his front hooves, and pull the string with his teeth. His big problem was finding something to keep the arrows in. Finally, he found an old discarded sack, and filled it with arrows, but the other deer laughed at him, because the sack was so dirty and ugly.
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And the moral of that story is, don't judge a buck by his quiver.
The exploding neuticles reminded me of the client that came in with a dog for examination. During the exam I noticed that a great portion of the dog's planum nasale was gone. I asked the owner what happened and she said "he had distemper as a puppy. I know that because his nose fell off and his testicles exploded." I had to leave the exam room because I didn't want to laugh in her face. She still to this day believes that.
The exploding neuticles reminded me of the client that came in with a dog for examination. During the exam I noticed that a great portion of the dog's planum nasale was gone. I asked the owner what happened and she said "he had distemper as a puppy. I know that because his nose fell off and his testicles exploded." I had to leave the exam room because I didn't want to laugh in her face. She still to this day believes that.
The exploding neuticles reminded me of the client that came in with a dog for examination. During the exam I noticed that a great portion of the dog's planum nasale was gone. I asked the owner what happened and she said "he had distemper as a puppy. I know that because his nose fell off and his testicles exploded." I had to leave the exam room because I didn't want to laugh in her face. She still to this day believes that.
Found this is the local paper under "The Unusual News"...hope no one fiinds it too offensive.
Condom serenades for safe sex
BUDAPEST, Hungary (AP) - The nation that produced Liszt, Bartok, and Kodaly is making a new contribution to the world of music: the serenading condom.
The prophylactic works like a musical greeting card, beginning the melody as it is unrolled. Users can choose between two tunes: "Arise, Ye Worker," an old Communist ditty, and another entitled "You Sweet Little Dumbbell."
Ferenc Kovacs, who patented the condom and contracted with a rubber factory to produce 100 samples, said he hadn't decided how much to charge customers.
"I believe it'll be so popular that thanks to the sales volume, I will be able to set a competitive price," he said.
Had an elderly lady bring in an 8 pound Chihuahua. When I entered the exam room and asked what the problem was, she stated that his "privates" were swollen. When I looked I saw that this little dog had the largest testicles I had ever seen. I asked how long they had been like that and she said she had just noticed it that morning. I was skeptical. I took the dog back out into the waiting where we had a floor scale and I weighed him again. He weighed 8 pounds. Then I lagot the dog to lay down beside the scaled and I placed his testicles on the scale. They weighed 4 pounds. The owner looked at me and asked, "Well doctor, what do think is wrong with my dog?"
I thought for a minute and said, "I think your dog is half nuts."
